Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Allison's LiveJournal:

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Monday, July 28th, 2008
11:44 pm	I don't think its worth it. Nothing will work out. Everything hurts and will still hurt if things get better. I hate this. I feel so unbelievably vulnerable. More so than ever before. I just wish that I could get out of this place. I want to look forward to everyday, not fear what could happen next. What the hell happened? Current Mood: cranky (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 24th, 2008
11:10 pm	So confused... My goodness its been forever. Sometimes I forget this thing still exists. At least you're always dependable when no one else is. I'm so lost. So confused. I have no idea what to do, think, or feel and everything is so completely out of control. My emotions are running rampant because of a boy that I love. But whats new, right? You always think that things will get better and then you let everything take its own twists and turns and the next thing you know you're wanting him back and he's with someone else. And it kills you. And you didn't realize how bad it would hurt or that he would need to be with someone so bad and find someone while he's still professing his love to you on a daily basis. Well that's stopped now. The only time that he wants me is when I don't want him and vice versa. I'm not really sure if its worth it anymore, but I know that I don't know what to do without him here. I do love him. I just wish that we were in the same place right now. But we never are. We were for a while, and things were wonderful. I keep thinking that if I only would have been more understanding when he tried to discuss something with me then he wouldn't have read my emails and he wouldn't have been mad at me and I wouldn't have kept asking him why he was so angry with me. And I wouldn't have found out and felt that he had violated my privacy although I had absolutely nothing to hide. If I would have just told him a month ago how I was starting to feel as though I thought we could work things out and that I wanted him back.. But its too late now. He likes her and I can't keep competing with someone else. I have to move on. Not just for me, but because it would be better for the both of us. It doesn't matter what I really feel in my heart, I feel that I need to just let him go as much as I don't want to maybe its best for both of us. For all of us. Its all my fault. I deserve everything I get. I wish that I could just build up this great impenetrable wall around my heart. That way it would be blocked off from everyone and protected from everything. Life wouldn't be worth living then if we couldn't take some chances and get hurt once in a while. I'm just at the point where I'm really confused about whether or not I want to spend my life with this person. And when all they do is lie to you, and not answer when you call, and ignore you because they're with the person that they keep denying that they're with... Well who knows. It hurts. Its an indescribable kind of pain that one feels as their heart breaks. I was fine before. I'll be fine now. Just not now. Not ever if he ends up with her. I want to scream and cry and yell at him and make him understand what he's done to me. Not just through this situation, but through all others that included lying and deceiving. Two of the best things that men are good at. I'm tired of it. I just want someone who will love me, no questions asked, trustworthy, dependable and reliable, someone who just accepts who you are and who will hold you while you cry out all of your problems even if they are the smallest problems you will ever have to deal with. I don't want to lose him, not like this. Not to someone else who has already almost taken him from me before. I can't keep doing this to myself. Current Mood: lonely (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 4th, 2007
11:34 am	Sleep Don't Weep There have been so many things going on lately. I don't know what the hell is going on. Some of them are just little things, but irritating nonetheless. Stress is a major component of my life right now, whether I like it or not. I'm not sure why, but everyone is getting engaged.. married.. having kids.. and it bothers me. Its not that I'm not happy for everyone, its just too weird. Things are changing. (Comment on this)
Friday, November 24th, 2006
11:01 pm	Where Is My Love This song, "Where Is My Love"... Cat Power... reminds me of the movie Somewhere In Time. I love it, the song and the movie. Anyways... I decided I would update, I've kind of been in the mood to express some feelings lately. Which may or may not be a good thing, considering the way I've been feeling... which has for the most part been crappy. Anyways, I had this awesome dream last night.. My whole backyard and half of the field behind my house was filled with the most gorgeous purple, pink, white, and yellow flowers i have ever seen. My dad planted them for me... They were even arranged in a really pretty way. I have to say it was probalby the best dream that i have ever had. It was a nice for a change. Usually when I dream someone is trying to kill me.. or harm someone i love. I never have a good dream. Its been that way since I can remember. Well I've been sitting here for a couple minutes now, and so far i have nothing else that is important enough to write about... Or at least, nothing that I feel like spilling my guts about... Maybe tomorrow... (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 15th, 2006
11:10 am	Frost on the window I'm in for the night You've got a phone Give me a try It's so on my mind (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 11th, 2006
9:31 pm	Thirteen We've been in the rain We've been on the mountain We've been round the fire In fancy hotels Drank water from farm wells We sang with the choir I kissed your dry lips We jumped off the high cliffs And splashed down below Skin to skin In the salty river Made love in the shadow Read books to each other Read the mind of the other Flew one thousand jets We laughed and we cried At movies and real life At our ridiculous bets We danced in the moonlight at midnight We pressed against back doors and wooden floors And you never faked it And frequently We ignored our love But we could never mistake it We met on the front porch Fell in love on the phone Without the physical wreck You gave me the necklace That used to hang Around your mothers neck We questioned religions Fed bread to the pigeons We learned how to pray We stood by the ocean Turned our hearts in to one We laid in bed all day We skipped on the sidewalk Skipped stones on the water We skipped town We've seen the sunrise with new eyes We've seen the damage of gossip and true lies We've seen the sun go down Had passionate makeouts And passionate freakouts We built this world of our own It was in the back of a taxi When you told me you loved me And that I wasn't alone. (Comment on this)
Monday, October 2nd, 2006
10:19 pm	Until I Die I'm so sorry that I've been so sad But you are the best friend that I've ever had And I love you And always will Until I die (Comment on this)
9:25 pm	Sundress Everybody's trying to be the best What about the girl with loneliness I like your sundress I like your sundress What about the girl with loneliness From the inside out You're so beautiful I want to hold you in my hand I do everything you want me to I do everything you want me to do I want to start going on a morning walk What about the days when we used to talk? I don't need a smile from a mannequin I just want to hold you in my hands I do everything you want me to I do everything you want me to I do everything you want me to do From the inside out You've changed, girl You know you have Don't make a good thing bad Just let me hold you in my hands I do everything you want me to I do everything you want me to do (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 13th, 2006
11:49 pm	Rise Today I'll crawl out of bed I can't stand, your shadow is too heavy to lift Maybe we'll go for a ride You said you'd take me nowhere I said that suits me just fine I know you've always been near Whispering secrets I know I'm not supposed to hear Hold your heart with two hands Give it to me only to disappear Look how low I've sunk Don't ask me to rise I'll only lose you when I'm high All alone in the dark Love survives only when we are apart Your voice still sounds in my ears Soft explosions that blossom with the beat of my heart (Comment on this)
11:48 pm	Safe and Sound With every word i live again Through the eyes of another We'll meet at night wet from the rain And surprise each other With how we take away the pain Could you be the one to find me safe and sound Love is how it's lost not how it's found I don't know those eyes But i see beauty there always I know it's wrong to love you from afar But it's a craze You recognize my pain Could you be the one to find me safe and sound Love is how it's lost.. not how it's found Love is how it's lost.. not how it's found I'll take away your pain Could you be the one to find me safe and sound? Love is how it's lost .. not how it's found Love is how it's lost .. not how it's found Love is when I'm lost.. not when I'm found (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 10th, 2006
7:23 pm	Amie You know when you've found it, there's something I've learned, 'cause you feel it when they take it away... (Comment on this)
Friday, September 1st, 2006
8:07 pm	I Woke Up With This Song In My Head This Morning I woke up with this song in my head this morning. I woke up with this song in my head this morning. I was dreaming about your record collection and all of our scratched affection. I woke up with this song in my head this morning. With no singing. Theres no swinging to. Theres no dancing. There's no missing you. (Comment on this)
7:59 pm	Bruised Oh no Love just leaves you bruised If you want to know Find something to lose The world won't turn until something breaks Who will make the first last mistake? You say good things come to those who wait Into the spiral Your world and my world It's never final Love just leaves you bruised I went because you said you'd be there A box of candy Smoke in your hair I didn't know I didn't care Now I know Love just leaves you bruised Oh no Love just leaves you screwed You've got to go slow 'Cause love just leaves you bruised Love just leaves you bruised And I've got the scars to prove it (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 27th, 2006
10:02 pm	The Last Kiss Hung in your room, swaying, hoping only that you'll see. All by myself, I'm alone in such poor company. The deeper I think, the deeper I seem to sink, I can't stop the insects that are feeding, pull the needles from beneath my skin. I broke myself, shattered, tied a bow around every peice. You'll love the eyes. Have they always shown so vacantly? The more I show the less you'll want to know. I can't stop the insects that are feeding, pull the needles from beneath my skin. Now I'm on display. I am becoming. Hurt myself today. It's all for you. Do you like what I'm becoming? Cut myself today. It's all for you. I part the night, flashing, approaching as I watch you flee. Pushed through your panes. Seems I've landed quite uncomfortably. But as I pass through souls of broken glass I can't stop the insects that are feeding. Pull the needles from beneath my skin. Please don't ask me just what I think, trust me, you don't want to know. Please don't ask me to open up, trust me, trust me 'cause I can't. (Comment on this)
Monday, June 26th, 2006
12:40 am	Dusk and Summer She said, 'No one is alone the way you are alone.' And you held her looser than you would have if you ever could have known. Some things tie your laughter together, slender threads and things to treasure. Days like that should last and last and last... (Comment on this)
12:28 am	Currents If this is ever meant to end, then I hope it ends where it began. So hot with love it burns our hands... (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 25th, 2006
4:26 pm	The Secrets In the Telling The signal is subtle. We past just close enough to touch. No questions, no answers. We know by now to say enough, with only simple words, with only simple turns, the things we feel alone for one another. (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 24th, 2006
9:41 pm	An Attempt To Tip the Scales I think you lost what you loved in that mass of details. They seemed so important at the time, now you can't even recall any names faces or lines, its more the feeling of it all... (Comment on this)
9:36 pm	You Will. You? Will. You? Will. You? Will You said you would be my dream, I could have you every night. And if by morning I'd forgotten you, well no big deal it'd be alright 'cause you're the reoccuring kind... You never really leave my mind... (Comment on this)
Monday, June 19th, 2006
11:36 pm	The Lost Souls If you can't stand upon the water I will see you on the ocean floor. When you blink do you only find the misery between the lines? Then take my hand and walk with me. Come to me, your sanctuary, I'll gladly accept the gift that I've been granted. If you feel fine, then give it just a little time I'm sure you'll contract my disease. Look what you've done to me now, you've made me perfect. If you can't stand upon the earth then I will meet you on the other side. When you blink do you only find the misery weighs down your eyes? Then take my hand and sleep with me. Take my hand, I'll be everything to you. Take my hand, I'll take everything from you. I will seep under your skin. I will. I will hold onto your heart. I will. (Comment on this)